Let me tell you how I really feel.

Warning: this may or may not make you smile. Perhaps a nervous smile in my behalf. I’m going full disclosure here.

I’m NOT in the best of moods. You didn’t think I actually smile all the time did you? Maybe I shouldn’t be writing a blog post right now, but I can claim insanity tomorrow. I haven’t seen much of anything rational lately so if you can’t beat them, join them?  I have no idea if this post will even make sense, actually I’m pretty sure it doesn’t make sense so good luck!

My mental game wasn’t up to par today and didn’t know if I could bring myself to write something. I felt a little lift when I realized I had a blog post almost publish ready.  I had written it a few weeks ago then forgot about it.   When I went to edit the post it was completely gone, nowhere to be found, vanished into thin air.   It was a good one, but I guess you’ll have to forever be in suspense.  It would have gone viral for sure. 

The missing blog post snapped the last of my “you push through it” attitude. I wasn’t even going to pretend to be cheery. In fact, I was going to think of all the reasons I have NOT to smile.

Now, I’m sitting here in my to too tight jeans that were falling off me 2 months ago. Thank you Covid-19, the 19 stands for 19 lbs right? I woke up this morning, wait, can you consider it “waking up” if you never really slept?  So, I got out of bed this morning after surrendering to the fact that no matter how long I stayed in bed my anxiety would not let me fall into a deep sleep. Maybe the 19 stands for the number of hours we’d WANT to stay in bed. Or how about the number of hours we’d spend watching TV?  

I am not one to watch a lot of TV.  Before this mess, you’d find me in front of the TV maybe once a week.  Now? I’m game for a Mission Impossible marathon because at least I could get a little lost and let my brain think of something other than how I could be handling things so much better.

I’ll digress for a sec here. My goal has always been to make sure those who come here always leave feeling better. I want you to feel lifted in your faith and confidence in God’s love for you.  That is why I post the kind of stories that I do.  That is why I avoid politics!

But then I worry. If I’m always posting the happy stuff, what if you leave here thinking I am perfect and start comparing yourself to someone who doesn’t really exist?

I know the very name of this blog is “Left With a Smile” but I would hate for people to think that I always have a perfect smile on.  I love smiling,  Smiling is the best. Yes, I just said that in a Nacho Libre accent. But there are days I just don’t feel like it.  Spoiler alert, I’m human.  

I tell myself that there are people who are suffering in ways I can’t even imagine right now. I should not feel sorry for myself. So are we only ever allowed to be sad if there is no one else in the world worse off than us? I don’t think so.

Maybe I can still offer you a smile today. Perhaps you can smile knowing that you aren’t the only one who wants to t.v., eat, and sleep Covid anxiety away every now and then. You aren’t the only one who feeds your children cereal for dinner while you eat the last of the mint chip ice cream. You aren’t the only one to watch your perfect quarantine mom plans fail miserably. You aren’t the only one who feels like you can conquer the world one day and the next day the world has conquered you. Covid anxiety is real.

We are all  having our ups and downs right now, unfortunately the scale is mostly up. Does the saying “what goes up must come down” apply to our pant size?  Lets pretend it does just for fun. Bottom line, no pun intended, we are going to figure this out.  We are going to come out of this stronger and better and smarter. I mean, all those hours of Netflix have got to count for something right?  Psych is somewhat educational yeah?

I know just a few weeks ago I wrote about how this situation is a gift and how important it is for us to take advantage of this time to “Hear Him.” Maybe that Amber sounds too preachy and cheery right now, but she is still right.  I need some peace right now. We all do. We won’t find it by listening to the news or reading all the opinions on social media. We definitely won’t find it by listening to our own critical selves.

It has never been more important to quiet the world, to quiet our minds and to Hear Him. It is the only voice that will bring true peace, help us feel centered and sure.  For right now, I’m watching Mission Impossible and eating a bag of Cheetos. Tomorrow will be better, but never perfect, and thats ok.

Oh by the way, that blog post that went completely missing and tipped me over the edge? I just found it as I went to publish this post. Oh well, maybe it just wasn’t what I was supposed to share today. Now I’m not only smiling, I’m laughing.

Have a beautiful imperfect week friends.