How could infertility be the Lord’s plan?

Let’s be clear that I’m not sharing this because I feel sorry for myself or I want others to feel sorry for me.  I share because surely someone else has found that life doesn’t go exactly to plan?  You?  Surely someone has had a hard time accepting the Lord’s will that didn’t quite jive with their own?

Whether you can relate to infertility or not, the most important things I will share here are the truths I learned in my journey that can help us find joy, peace and acceptance with the life we’ve been given.

Secondary Infertility

Ten and 1/2 years ago I thought I had my life pretty well thought out. So far everything had gone generally to plan so I had no reason to think the future would be any different. I was 31.  I had just had my 5th child and I was on schedule to be done having my 6-8 children by age 36 as determined. I know that sounds like a crazy plan to some but I grew up in a family with 13 kids. Eight children was taking it down a notch.  After my first pregnancy and realizing how sick I get (and how it is possible for a baby to cry 24 hours a day) I decided to give myself some leeway and my number changed from a solid 8 to 6-8. 

Baby #5 was 9 months old when we decided we were ready to add another child to our family.  It took me a bit by surprise when I didn’t get pregnant with baby #6 within 3 months of trying like most my other babies. After 5 months with no luck I decided maybe my body needed a break and I stopped worrying about getting pregnant. It would happen when it would happen. 

Long story short, it didn’t happen, and in-between,  it was extremely hard to find a new path when all I wanted to do was stand still and wait for the path I had always planned on. 

Part of me still feels like I have no right to express my feelings on this. You may be thinking, “Five kids? That sounds pretty fertile to me.” I get it. What I experienced is called secondary infertility and I would still choose my path compared to what other women have had to go through. After all, I can’t imagine the heartache of those who have hoped and prayed for at least 1 child to never have that dream realized.  

I don’t know exactly why I have felt I couldn’t share my honest feelings about my struggle with secondary infertility. Maybe it is because of the word “secondary” in front of infertility. I was able to have 5 children no problem and by the world’s standards, that is a boat load of kids.

Perhaps I was afraid people would think I wasn’t abundantly grateful for the children I was able to have, which I totally am PS.  Maybe it was too painful to face that I was “broken.” 

Maybe it was because of the reaction from midwives and doctors when they wondered why I wasn’t asking for birth control instead of answers as to why I couldn’t get pregnant.  Maybe is was because of the reaction I got from a friend who I was brave enough to express my raw feelings to. She stared at me like I was a lunatic for wanting more children and had zero words of comfort. Its ok, on crazy days, AKA every day, I questioned my sanity as well. 

From then on if the topic ever came up I pretended it didn’t bother me that much, it was much easier that way.  Too bad it didn’t change the fact that I never wanted anything else than to be a mom of lots of children.  I had visualized it in my mind so clearly that I felt something had unrightfully been taken from me.  Each time those feelings came up I told myself I should be quiet and be grateful. 

Still, I went through the roller coaster of waiting each month to see if the pregnancy test would show a positive result. We tried the path of fertility treatment but that increased the hope and thus magnified the disappointment when we didn’t get the wanted result and I couldn’t handle the emotion. Months turned to years and my goodness I could have taken myself on a nice vacation with all the money spent on ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. I saw other mothers fill up the entire pew at church with their stair step children and I started believing illogical things like,  “the Lord doesn’t think I’m a very good mother and that’s why I can’t get pregnant.”

As time passed I learned to busy myself with other things, which wasn’t hard with the 5 children I already had, but in the still moments I couldn’t forget. I mostly went on with life until after a bible study discussion about waiting on the Lord. Someone asked if anyone had been waiting for something for a really long time. I guess I had lost track of time or hadn’t thought to count until then. It all of the sudden dawned on me that I had been praying, begging, trying to have another child for 7 years!  I had never stopped hoping because I was just sure it would eventually happen. I got pregnant before, I should be able to get pregnant again. How much longer would I have to wait?  

And then the reality came, maybe after all this waiting on the Lord,  it would NEVER happen. I broke down.

The most confusing thing to me was that what I wanted was a good thing, why wouldn’t the Lord want to give it?  I had a Christ-centered, loving home to give. Wouldn’t He take me up on that offer? 

I had my check list of the devoted daughter of God I would be and that check list included having lots of children.  I was angry and confused because I was trying to do what I thought I knew the Lord wanted of me. Maybe all the Lord wanted was for me to trust.

Then came the understanding.

I thought I was faithful because I was willing to have as many children as the Lord would give me… BUT ONLY if it was MORE than 5.  I learned that being faithful is accepting the Lord’s will without adding on conditions.

I thought I was faithful because I was willing to have so many children. I learned being faithful is being willing to NOT have my righteous desires if that is what the Lord needed of me. 

I thought being faithful was holding on to the sorrow of being deprived of the dutiful path I envisioned for myself.  Being faithful is finding joy and purpose in the path God wanted for me even if it wasn’t what I thought it would be. 

Though it was a difficult experience I am grateful for the lessons I learned. I can also turn around and see how even though I wasn’t given another child I was given many gifts and mercies.  I see all the experiences I never would have had that have brought me to where I now stand.

Right when I had hoped to be pregnant again the Lord brought an opportunity into my life that I would NEVER have considered for a moment if I was pregnant.  That opportunity led to more personal growth and opportunities than I could have ever imagined for myself. I discovered talents and desires to do good that I didn’t even know I had.  I gained skills in writing, marketing, online technology, training, public speaking, creating videos, and communication. My eyes were opened to humanitarian work and the joy that comes from sharing your gifts to strengthen others.  I gained cherished friendships and learned from wonderful people. 

Those are only a few of the blessings that resulted from the path the Lord had planned for me.  Not my plan. Crazy that it takes years to be able to look back and see how everything actually does make sense and has worked for our good.  Even now I know it isn’t over. There will be twists, turns and the unexpected, but it isn’t unexpected to the Lord, and we are in His gentle and wise care. 

My exact journey has given me the courage and the ability to grow and share my testimony of the Savior and His power in our lives and perhaps help give others hope and purpose.  It is why I started writing on this blog.  

Maybe everything works out exactly the way it should. 

If you found this helpful thank you for sharing it!