A Guest Story by Kay West
Over my life I have had several spiritually defining moments, but the one that is always most tender and dear to me are the years I struggled with infertility. It was one of the most spiritually defining moments in my life to know and understand that my roles in life were not the same as my divine potential in life.
I don’t think there is much that makes a woman feel truly broken than not being able to conceive and bear children, especially when that is a righteous desire of her heart. I remember the years of my wrestles before the Lord, and also the hurt and loneliness I felt. I was very aware of the many different emotions I felt over those years.
Sadness – for not being able to have children. Anger – there were moments I was angry that God was not answering the righteous desire of my heart. Feelings of comparison and unworthiness – I began to compare why God would bless others with children and why I wasn’t as worthy as they were. Gratitude – where some couples struggle, my husband was my rock and we grew very close those first few years of marriage which has been an immense blessing, even all these years later. Lonely – even with my husband, no one knew, or could understand what I was going through. I knew no one else who was struggling, and not many knew I was struggling either. 20 years ago was a more private time and therefore a much lonelier time.
After a few years of infertility treatments, I reached my breaking point. I was angry, and sad, and lonely, and hurt, and all these feelings were wrapped up inside my heart. I cried for weeks. My husband then came to me and let me know that he understood why I felt the way I was feeling. Then he gently counseled that I had two choices. I could turn to God, or away from Him. But he knew if I turned away I would eventually turn to God so it may be easier just to turn to Him now. That stung, but I knew he was right, and I knelt down and offered up probably my most unkind prayers ever offered.
And do you know what happened? Nothing.
Mine was not to have a change overnight.
But little by little, day by day, the healing balm of Christ filled my heart and soul. Gradually each day became more bearable and little by little I understood I was meant to accomplish things beyond the sacred roles of a wife and mother.
I was meant to be a daughter of God and fulfill my purpose as His daughter in every way possible. I understood my divine worth and my divine purpose, beyond roles.
And with it, eventually, that sacred role of mother would come.
About Kay West
Kay West has been married to her best friend for over 21 years. Together they have two beautiful children, both adopted from birth. Kay has journeyed through racism, years of infertility, miscarriages, a failed adoption with a child they had in their home from one week old to one year old, adopted both their children, and raising a daughter with multiple physical and mental special needs.
Kay is a speaker, an author, and an advocate for all women to share their voices and stories. She loves reading and studying, cute shoes, and eating really good chocolate. You can often find Kay with a bowl of chocolate ice cream and a really good book. Kay loves gathering women, and provides products and a platform for women to connect and share at www.aworldwidesisterhood.com and on Instagram @aworldwidesisterhood
