Here’s a little true or false quiz for ya.
True or False:
- I’m not a good mom if I don’t have the same talent as another mom I admire.
- If my kids misbehave I must be doing something wrong.
- I’m not a good mom if I can’t keep my house clean and in order.
- If I lose it that means I’m a bad mom.
- Really good moms don’t want to do anything other than be a mom.
I hope that was the easiest test ever and I hope you answered every single question as FALSE. When we look at those statements logically we see that they are unrealistic and absurd. Problem is most of us have treated ourselves as if thoughts like these are reality.
We wouldn’t say those statements are true but we act like they are.
What crazy standards we set for ourselves! Messy houses, losing it, kids misbehaving all just make us normal. I’m mean, not that I would know. I’m just guessing because my house is always clean, my kids never misbehave, I never lose it, and pigs fly.
Read those statements again and ask if you’ve ever felt any of them. Maybe you felt one just a few seconds ago. There is one in particular I used to REALLY struggle with when my kids were younger.
“Really good moms don’t want to do anything other than be a mom.”
I mastered the mom guilt with that lie I believed but I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me for not feeling 100% fulfilled in doing what I dreamed of my whole life, being a mom. I wanted more purpose than poopy diapers and never-ending laundry.
If you’ve read any of my recent posts about finding your purpose and having the courage to do it you may be wondering how motherhood fits into everything. Now, motherhood is a pretty awesome and important purpose so why can’t it end there?
I’ll admit I’ve quietly judged myself and plenty of other moms for pursuing things that didn’t involve their kids or surround motherhood. I cringe to think about my unfair judgment, or maybe it was envy. But here’s another false statement for ya; mothers NEVER look at each other with a critical eye and judge each other’s mothering. If you think you don’t judge just think back to your last trip to Wal-Mart. Just sayin’.
Back to the lie that, “really good moms don’t want to do anything other than be a mom.” I started believing this lie the day I became a mother and realized how different I was from my mother. I always assumed I would be just like her. I would sleep with and nurse my babies until they were toddlers loving every minute. Kudos to moms who do this, but I couldn’t sleep with my babies because I never actually slept and I counted down the days to the recommended 1 year of nursing. Though I loved being a mother, it was a lot harder than ever expected.
When my fifth child was a year old I was in complete overwhelm but would never admit how much I struggled with finding joy… because that would make me a bad mother. Of course I looked at the other moms around me who seemed in mommy bliss and I wondered what was wrong with me. Then something changed.
I decided to earn a little extra money to buy a dining room table to fit our growing family. It was a job I could do mostly at home and choose my own hours. I figured I would quit immediately after I earned what I needed because I was sure it would be way too hard to do as a mother of 5. I was wrong.
I absolutely LOVED my side business. I had more success than I ever thought possible but it wasn’t about the money. I developed talents I didn’t know I had, made lasting friendships, and had amazing experiences. I was happy and that happiness spilled over to all areas of my life. I found more joy in being a wife and mother.
There was only one thing that kept me from being perfectly content. I constantly questioned myself because of my false belief that if I was a good mother I would have been able to experience all this joy without having to do anything but be a mother. I felt guilty for loving the recognition I got for sharing my talents and knowledge. We all know there aren’t many tangible awards for motherhood but good moms don’t care about that stuff right?
With each passing year my guilt increased to the point that it was sucking the joy out of something I loved.
I almost cracked when my 4 year old son interrupted me while I was trying to get some work done. I told him, “Just a minute.” His cry? “Noooooo, just a minute takes forever!!!!!!” Almost every mother in the world has uttered those words but just because I happened to be working when this happened I decided I must be the worst mother ever because my child knew all too well that “just a minute” wasn’t “just a minute.”
I started to look at the mothers around me to try to figure out if my life was ok. I would bounce from mother to mother to try to determine the kind of mother I should be. If I came across someone who successfully balanced motherhood and other pursuits I decided it was ok for me to do the same. Then I would think about a mom who thrived on everything mother and I thought I should probably be more like that. I was in constant turmoil.
If you are a therapist or a life coach you are probably thinking of what I got wrong and you probably have a name for it. Or maybe I’m a complicated case and nothing can explain me. If you can relate to me at all here’s the first thing to know.
“Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children.”
M. Russell Ballard
And here is the second thing to know, which you probably already know but it took me a while to figure out.
Comparing yourself to other mothers won’t get you any closer to figuring out your unique purpose. What is the saying? “Bloom where YOU are planted.” Don’t try to do what someone else is doing. To discover YOUR unique path and purpose you’ve got to stop looking at others and look inside yourself.
There are two quotes that have brought me a lot of peace and truth as I’ve learned to fit my own mold and not anyone else’s.
“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.”
M. Russell Ballard
The only thing mothers might have in common was in the last sentence. Love and priorities. The definition of priority is: the fact or condition of being regarded or treated as more important. Notice there would be no need for priorities if our children were the only thing we allowed in our lives. Prioritizing assumes we have more than one role to fulfill. Prioritizing doesn’t cut out all but the #1 thing, it just puts things in proper order. We could simply ask if we treat our children as if they are more important than other things in our lives.
I gained so much clarity from a quote in, The Family; A Proclamation to The World. Of all the advice and opinion that could be given on what mothers should do this sums it up in three sentences. Notice how basic it is when it comes our responsibility as mothers.
“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”
The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
In both quotes I shared notice what is missing; a specific mold that every mother has to fit into. Everything listed can be accomplished in a billion different ways by a billion different mothers. The Lord made us each unique and gave us agency so we would be free to chose our own joyful path in motherhood and reach our unlimited potential.
So next time you start feeling that mom guilt tell it to back the heck off. Be the mom only you can be in your own way. Know that the Lord has given you gifts and it is ok to use them. He wants you to use them!!! If you are at point where it feels like some of your knowledge and skill are on hold, know that there’s a lot of life after you kids get older. You will have opportunities to use your gifts for good now and in the future.
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