There is a moment in my family that will go down in history or infamy, however you choose to look at it. It is the mayo moment. You’ve had a mayo moment as well, you probably just have a different name for it. There are many things that led up to the perfect storm that ended in mayo so I have to start from the beginning. Perhaps you will learn a few lessons that will help you avoid a mayo moment, but maybe I am already too late and you can just relate.
It started with a rough a Sunday morning. I have a friend that describes Sunday mornings well.
“Sunday’s include the most holy hour of the week preceded by the most UNHOLY hour of the week.”
Anyone else’s Sunday morning involve missing shoes, ties, belts?
Kids who don’t get out of bed until the last minute.
A daughter crying because her hair isn’t working.
Kids fighting because, “He is wearing my tie!”
This Sunday was going to be different I decided. I started on my knees and prayed for extra help. I wasn’t going to let anything get to me today. I was determined to keep my calm no matter what was thrown at me.
Make a note right now. Don’t ever decide that you are going to have a perfect morning. That’s your first mistake. If a perfect morning happens, great, but just let it happen and be pleasantly surprised. The second you set expectations of perfection you know you are in for it.
Why? Every time I’ve decided I’m going to keep my cool no matter what, it’s like the universe says, “Ok lets see what she is really made of.” As soon as a child does something that makes me crack then not only am I mad at them for whatever they did, they get an extra dose of my anger because THEY made me lose my temper and crushed my dreams of mommy perfection. Then I start getting upset with myself because I didn’t want to mess up and from there everything begins to quickly unravel. I know it all seems very silly now that I’m writing it out, but who says moms are always rational?
Don’t worry, the irrationality gets worse as this story goes on. My morning was one of these mornings I just described. My husband was serving as bishop for our congregation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He had left early that morning so I had no one to tag team with once my patience was through. Add on that we were fasting so everyone was hungry and on edge.
As I drove to church I was in psycho, pretend happy, mommy mode. Do you know the mode I’m talking about? I smiled through clinched teeth and tried not to sound like I was growling as I spoke. I told the children we needed make an effort to have the Spirit with us just a little before walking through the chapel doors.
Sometimes church is a respite and time to gather myself from a crazy morning; not today. It isn’t out of the ordinary for a mom to have to take a small child out to the hallway during church but this Sunday I had to take myself out to the hallway. I had no baby in my arms as an excuse.
My two youngest boys were fighting over who got to sit next to me so of course I sat in-between them thinking that would solve the problem. Nope. It was like they drew an invisible line down the middle of my body. One of them claimed each half of me. It reminded me of siblings who share a bedroom but neither can come to each others side of the room. If one of my boys crossed the invisible line down the middle of my body the other would punch or push. Of course one had to taunt the other by slowly inching his pinky finger onto his brother’s territory.
I was being jolted from side to side as my boys fought back and forth until I couldn’t handle a second more. I pushed both of them off me without trying to be discreet. I stood up and ignored the stares I knew were following me as I walked out the doors. I did catch the surprised and worried look from my husband who was sitting on the stand at the front on the chapel.
Are you wondering where the mayo comes in? Oh, we are just getting warmed up. Hang tight, it’s coming.
By the end of church I was able to gather myself and decide the rest of the day was going to be great. I guess I hadn’t learned my lesson from earlier that day. I drove home by myself because my husband would be serving at the church for several more hours. I stayed calm as I listened to my children argue over who was stinking up the car. I tried the whole “lets play the silent game” tactic, but my kids never fell for that.
As soon as I got home I immediately changed into my PJ’s. I was mentally and physically exhausted and I figured the only way I could be a perfect mom was if I was sleeping. I could also feel this rubber band inside me stretching and stretching. If I didn’t get by myself behind a locked door soon I was going to snap. I just had to do one more thing and I was home free.
I was still fasting but all my children needed lunch. Some could fend for themselves but my youngest two needed help. This is where the mayo makes its entrance. I grabbed a jar of mayo and opened it to start making tuna fish sandwiches. My oldest son walked in the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. Perfect, he could help me out. I was hungry from fasting and didn’t want to be around food. I asked him to make sandwiches for his brothers.
Then it happened. In his snarkiest, teenage boy attitude he looked straight at me and said, “No! I’m not touching tuna. That’s nasty. You can do it!”
All reason left my brain. I’m talking ALL reason. That rubber band snapped. I felt like I was having an out of body experience as I watched my arm wind up with the open jar of mayo in hand. I even remember thinking, “No, Amber! Don’t do it! The clean up is going to be terrible. What are you thinking???!!!!” But that is just it, I wasn’t thinking.
I launched that mayo with all the power of a major league pitcher, except more power because I was one ticked off mother. I know what you are thinking. No, I didn’t throw it at a child. I did have a little reason left I suppose. I launched it across the entire kitchen mayo flying out as it sailed right into the dining room wall. (I may or may not have screamed a few choice words as that mayo left my hand. But, I don’t want to you to be in complete shock so I won’t disclose that part.)
SPLAT! Mayo. in. every. direction. Ceiling, walls, floors, table, chairs; everything was covered in glossy white goop. The kids stared in silent shock and horror waiting to see what I would do next. Well, there was no way I wanted to clean that up. I turned, grabbed my purse and said, “Now you can clean up this mess AND make your brother’s lunch!” I walked out the door PJs, slippers and all to cries of, “No mommy don’t leave us!!”
Don’t worry. No animals or children were permanently mentally harmed from this. In fact, it is one of those stories that gets told over and over again so we can all laugh our heads off.
After I left that afternoon I just went down the road to my mom’s house. Of course my mom got a call from my kids that I had gone crazy and was never coming home again. She reassured them all was well. I was still gone when my husband returned home. When he asked why the walls and floors had a weird shine to them my son’s response was, “I don’t know.” He knew he’d be in even bigger trouble if dad found out he had been the cause of a major mom melt down. Dad didn’t find out until a couple of years later what that shine was or what had really happened that day. He couldn’t know his wife was THAT crazy.
To this day (and I’m sure for the rest of my life) I get teased every time I have a jar of mayo in my hand. I did learn some important lessons as a mother though.
- The more unrealistic you are in the expectations of yourself the more critical you are going to be of yourself and others.
- In some cases (and especially when you can’t control the actions of others, which is pretty much all the time) it is best not to decide ahead of time how something will go. Just pray for strength and joy with whatever comes your way and go with the flow.
- It is totally ok to have “one of those days” or maybe two or three or twenty of those days. No one is perfect. There is such thing as repentance and forgiveness. I guess we could have “seventy times seven” of those says and we’d still be covered;)
- As you do your best and let the Lord make up for the rest your children will likely turn out just fine. If you are worried, you can always start a therapy fund along with that college fund for when they are adults and realize you are the cause of all their problems;). On that thought, I hope my children end up liking mayo on their sandwiches someday.
- It’s ok to be vulnerable. Share your less than perfect moments with other mothers. It will help us all realize that we are pretty normal in our imperfections, and thinking any mother has it all together is completely STUPID.
- If you want your floors to have an extra shine, try using mayo. It works wonders.
Ok, do you have a “mayo moment?” I’ve got to hear it! When was a time you just cracked but now you can laugh about it? Share your story here! If you can’t think of anything; I bet your kids could remind you!
